Random thoughts pop in my head almost daily. But somehow by the time I get home each night, cook dinner, clean the kitchen, spend a few rare moments with The Husband...........the energy and will to write are gone.
I've been struggling for quite some time now. Losing a job unexpectedly nearly three years ago, didn't just change where I went 5 days a week............but changed how I felt about myself. About my abilities. Prior to that event, I had a clear picture of who I am. Of what I know, of what I'm good at, and clearly what I'm not good at. I felt comfortable in my own skin. And maybe I even liked myself..........
Then I had to start over at 55 years old. Daunting and intimidating. Seemed no one really understood how deeply I was hurt, and though I don't even like to admit it, much less write it.........
So for all the days since, I've bounced back and forth. From embarrassment, to anger, to sadness, and from time to time, relief. Mostly that I found a new job. And though I took a 60% cut in pay, at least I had a job...............and then I would feel grateful.
But something has been gnawing at me all this time, biting hard some days, and then "it" would go quietly into the corner and sleep for a few weeks. And I'd only notice it in passing. This afternoon one of those bites came, knocked me to the ground and drew blood. But then..........
Then I had one of those moments of epiphany.
And this is the song that popped into my head.
I've loved this song since the first time I heard it, but it grew more important over time. Because especially, "I've proven who I am so many times.................the magnetic strip's worn thin........."
Every time a new youth pastor started at our church, every time a new music pastor started, I had to prove who I was. And trust me, in just those two categories alone.....there were DOZENS. And maybe that's just the way it goes in your 20's and your 30's.
But in my late 50's...............here's what it comes down to.
I am weary of the ....................DISRESPECT.
Its not a good feeling to realize that your ideas, your opinions, and especially your Experience is not valued, not respected. And when that sunk it's teeth in to me today. I saw it for what is. DISRESPECT.
I was raised by parents who taught me the importance of respecting people. And I know what it feels like to be respected...........to be sought out for my experience and my opinions.
Now its up to me...........where do I go from here?